Patton's Journey Across Middle-earth

"So if I can get over that fear, I can do anything." - Patton.

Patton is the Orlando Bloom of the Philippines, as his Facebook fans acclaimed when Lord of the Rings came out. The best part is that he embraced it all while pursuing different angles in the world of arts and creatives. He's a relentless tech entrepreneur, not trying to fit in, but carving out his definitive place in his world through (geeky) movie lines that envelop his world. Join us and eavesdrop on us catching up with laughter, and more serious topics while we both recall our almost attempt to date in our 20s, and our lives ever since.

I also revealed a very private story about myself. I am ready to share it.

CONTENT NOTE: This episode comes with a content warning at the beginning and end chapters. This is simple to empower you, my audience, with the knowledge you need to make decisions about how and if you should consume this podcast content.
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This episode's show notes and transcript: https://www.humanthesaurus.co/episodes/pattons-journey-across-middle-earth

Podcast website: https://www.humanthesaurus.co
Licensed Music by Ketsa

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Transcript

Wish 00:00:00
I would like to give you a content warning for this episode where we discuss existential struggles and health traumas. This podcast openly talks about each human's authentic individual experiences. Don't worry, we don't go into too much detail. But if you are uncomfortable about these subjects, you may want to avoid the second half of the episode. Please take care of yourself and don't hesitate to ask for help if you need it. Resources are also available in my show notes. 

Wish 00:00:00
As humans, we are all defined by several synonyms or words that represent who we are to ourselves and others. Hence, this is for you. Hello, dear humanity. Welcome to the second season of Human Thesaurus. I'm your host, wide-eyed Wish Ronquillo Peacocke. Human Thesaurus is an intersection between a vast lexicon that best describes our human nature. I chat with my fascinating friends and acquaintances who I love to talk to about everything under the sun with this podcast. It's like catching up with them in a cafe or over cocktails. And here you are eavesdropping on our conversations. We explore what words define who they authentically are. Subscribe now. Episodes are released weekly. 

Wish 00:00:00
For this new season, I'll make my own new intro. My guests will provide this to us in the same format. So I'll start: Hello, my name is Wish. Same as the words cheerleader as a noun, plotting as a verb and feisty as an adjective. I like the word malarkey and I just like the word pus. How does that sound?

Wish 00:02:01
Patton is an artist, a movie geek, a pirate who is also a self-confessed hermit. Like me. He's also a tech entrepreneur and he sees the world in movies. He tries to insert famous movie lines in between conversations with unsuspecting muggles, as always. He loves stories. He loves all people from all walks of life, their unique personalities, and tries to imagine how God must be going crazy listening to all these thoughts and conversations all at once. Right. Patton never says no to a dare, which gets him in trouble, I think! He believes in trying anything at least once for science. Yeah, sure. I met Patton in my very naive and gullible early 20s, so I think 23-24 (actually 22)? And we met through his cousin, whom I had a really dark nightmarish past with but set that aside, I really gained a wonderful person, which is Patton. We had some history, to be honest with you, I think. But it's one of those things when you were very young. We just really have a chemistry together and we both geeked out. We always have this wonderful, very, very geeky and deep and crazy and all of these hullabaloo of stuff to talk about. I find him as my own kind of oracle of the mediaeval times for some reason. Anyway, my synonyms for Patton are Orlando Bloom as a noun: he looks like him, geeking as a verb and bright-eyed as an adjective. Within this conversation, you'll further understand why I describe him as such. So here he is, Patton Lucas.

Patton 00:04:13
Hey, guys. Hey, Wish. My name is Patton. Same as the words pirate as a noun, marooned as a verb and adventurous as an adjective. I like the word chiaroscuro and I dislike the word impossible.

Wish 00:04:34
What's chiarascuro, if you can kind of relate it to everyone.

Patton 00:04:40
Chriarascuro is a term in the art world where in paintings, usually with classical paintings, where the shifting from light to dark is seen. So it's like the play of shadows and light on a subject. And that's chiarascuro. So I always found it fascinating because it's like this old adage that, oh, my God, Wish. I don't think people are using this anymore. The older adage of the brighter the picture, the darker the negative.

Wish 00:05:16
Yes.

Patton 00:05:16
Growing up, I would see life like that. Oh, this family is so bright and cheery. I'm sure there's something dark beneath it. What goes on behind.

Wish 00:05:29
I haven't seen you in a while and this is what I could remember. We kind of make fun of observing other people around us.

Patton 00:05:39
Oh, yes. We love people-watching. It's one of the things that brought us together, I think. My God, Wish. Impressionable youths we were.

Wish 00:05:51
We were you were like kind of this at first, like you were this very elusive guy for me, but you reveal everything anyway. But I still find it elusive. So it's just a contradiction of each other, like each description of view. And then from there, it's just revelation, per revelation. And it's just like unwrapping a gift.

Patton 00:06:18
Oh, my God. I actually do not know how to take that, but sure, I'll take that as a compliment because we are vain people.

Wish 00:06:27
Are we?

Patton 00:06:32
Anyways, well, first things first. Thank you so much for your kind words. I mean, it brought back a lot of memories, like, oh, my God, she still remembers that. Wow. Cool. It's very interesting. Now, seeing or remembering the Patton or Patton and Wish back then and the Patton and Wish now. And I must say, wow. Kudos to you, Wish. Throughout my life and career, we would bump into each other every now and then. Every time I would bump or hear about you, it's always you exploring something new from hosting, from Radio and now this. I'm like, what is Wish up to today? And I'm like, you are.... just sorry, I'm going to do it. It's like the scene in Seven where Brad Pitt goes, "what's in the box? What's in the box?" It's like the surprise. Anything can happen with Wish.

Wish 00:07:23
Yeah, that's right. And there's more to come. You're just going to be mind blown. I'll probably going to see you in the next probably seven to eight weeks and I'm just going to reveal quite a few things. Yeah. I'm going to visit Manila, so we have to hang out because it's been a long time. When was the last time we saw each other?

Patton 00:07:48
With that tech start-up that you invited me to. Yeah, because I was trying to start this little app idea that I had with my ex back then, and you were helping out, and so we had a bit of coffee to catch up. And since you were also with other VCs, since you were reviewing projects or ideas to get approved for investors right?

Wish 00:08:19
Yeah. So that was 2016. That was towards the third quarter to fourth quarter 2016.

Patton 00:08:30
Yes, ma'am.

Wish 00:08:31
Yeah. So from then till now, what have you been up to nowadays?

Patton 00:08:39
Oh, my God. Roller coaster ride. I really got to start changing my attitude about never saying no to a dare, because I got myself in all sorts of trouble. So, first off, the girlfriend that I was with back then when you met, we broke up, literally almost ended up in the streets. And to give you a little bit of context, yes, growing up, I wasn't really close with my family for very long convoluted reasons.

Wish 00:09:12
Yes.

Patton 00:09:13
But to cut a long story short, it got to the point well, it's almost like I disowned my whole family. Anyways, when I broke up with my ex and I almost was on the streets, it came to the point that my friend Ron told me, dude, why don't you just call your sister?

Wish 00:09:35
Right?

Patton 00:09:35
And I took that phone call, and I called the second to the eldest sister, and I told her about my situation, and I was so embarrassed, and it's humility times a million.

Wish 00:09:54
Yes, I get it.

Patton 00:09:56
And what she told me was, Patton, just come here. I mean, she didn't ask for an explanation. She didn't ask me what happened. She didn't gloat or like, Ha, now you come to us for help. She just said, Come over here. We'll figure this out. And oh, my God, wish it was like, ever since that fateful day, I've been on a self-realisation journey up until now, actually. So I hung out with my sister and her family. I stayed at her place for some time until I got back on my feet.

Wish 00:10:37
Right.

Patton 00:10:37
And I got to spend almost two years with my nephews. My nephews are all in college or have graduated and are looking for work. Right. And I remember one of my nephews and I would bond his name is Paolo during our bonding sessions where we would be smoking.

Wish 00:10:57
Nice.

Patton 00:10:59
It's like, Dude, I can't believe you're smoking. The last time I saw you, you were like, this little kid running around the place. Anyways, he told me, you know what? Growing up, we always thought that you were the cool uncle, and every Christmas, every family reunion, you would not be there so much so that my big brother Anton and I would go to our mom and ask her, mom, does Uncle Patton think we're not cool? How come he's not with us? Oh, my God, wish when he said that I bawled, I cried. I'm like, I am so sorry. I was dealing with baggages. It has nothing to do with you guys. It was between me and my mom. It didn't have anything to do with my sister, actually. Yeah, nothing to do with you guys at all. But then I realised, what have I done? What have I been doing to the people who love me, who I thought didn't care, but actually did? And that was a big eye-opener.

Wish 00:12:00
Wow. That is very powerful, isn't it? It's just sometimes there's just one speck in our eye and we can't get rid of it, that you want to scratch off your entire eye because of it. And there are repercussions. But I think the good thing that happened in this case, right, like you were at the lowest point in your life. The gift there, I think, is that it wasn't that too late for you to realise all of these things that you do have, that with your relationship with your mother and everything else. There are people who never really fully met you before, who still love you. Because it's hard, right? Because when we're adults, we try and we tend to choose our own family, whether they're real blood family or not, we do that. But I'm so happy for you that you came to this place now with having a relationship with your sister and your nephews. Is it just nephews or you have nieces, too?

Patton 00:13:19
Just nephews. Ever since then, I've been really trying to support everybody, trying to be there for and with everybody. So, yeah. What do they call it? Like a blessing in disguise?

Wish 00:13:36
Yes. And in Filipino terms, it's blessing in the "sky".

Patton 00:13:43
Oh, God. Is that a mom joke? That's definitely a dad joke, because he said it.

Wish 00:13:54
Oh, my God, I'm a dad now.

Patton 00:13:59
Again, what's in the box?

Wish 00:14:05
This is so funny because a part of my thinking of catching up with you here is that I wanted to actually ask you because you have a very interesting story growing up with you, let's just put it plainly that you kind of disown your family. So my question actually, this is so strange because you already kind of preempted this, because I'm about to ask you, what are your reflections now that we're adulting in hindsight? How do you view all the choices that you made when you were young that's affecting you now as an adult? So can you add more? Because this is so strange. We're still connected, dude.

Patton 00:14:54
I know, right? It's weird. And I do have this attitude that I know it's not healthy, or maybe it is, I don't know. Usually when I'm in a relationship, I have this thing where I mix my friends up, right? So much so that when the time comes and the relationship is not moving forward and we have to break it off instead of having to go through the whole thing of like, okay, friends, choose which one you'll be siding with. Blah, blah, blah. I just said, you know what? I'll just cut everybody out.

Wish 00:15:26
Yeah.

Patton 00:15:26
And those who choose to stay are usually the ones who really know me deep down, as in, like, who I grew up with. And they know that whatever stories this ex is telling about Patton, that's not Patton. He's never going to do that. Only because I have this mindset. And I guess you have it too, because we've been travelling, because we have had experience working outside or being outside of countries and being outside of comfort zones, is we're able to make friends with other nationalities, with people in other parts of the globe. And in Manila, there's always this saying. Actually, it was a saying that was said about my recent act that don't fight people because you never know when they're going to be your next business partner or when they're going to be important in your life. And I'm like, Yeah, right. You're only saying that because you're stuck in Manila. I can be anywhere in the world and I can establish connections, woman! With regards to the reflection, the context of that, on why I'm able to do that so easily, whereas a person from the outside might view me as like this cold-hearted person, like, how can you cut off people like that? The context of that is, growing up as a kid, I was constantly moving. The family was constantly moving, depending on our financial status. But our family used to be well to do. But when I was born, I was born in this part where we were not well to do anymore. So we kept moving houses in different cities and all that stuff. And I believe we met because I was staying over at my cousin's place, because my mom couldn't support us altogether, so we had to separate. So I stayed over at my cousin's place. With that, I was also transferring schools and so I don't have those, like, friends. Oh, I've known this person since grade school. I never had that. That's a bad thing, growing up as a kid, right? But the good thing is I could literally go into a room full of strangers and before the night is done, we're all friends.

Wish 00:17:44
Yes.

Patton 00:17:45
Because I was constantly moving. I was constantly making new friends in different schools. The downside of that is I don't know how to keep friends right. Because we're always moving. And in my head, I never got to celebrate any friend's birthday. So when it came to being an adult, it was difficult for me to even remember my friend's birthday like, crap, this birthday. Oh, no, what do I get him? It's kind of funny how as a kid, and I believe I told you this back when we were having our talks, whatever happened to my parents, I'll never be like them. Yet here I am now, going through the motions of doing the same mistakes that my parents have done. I'm like, what the hell?

Wish 00:18:37
Like, what mistakes do you think they are?

Patton 00:18:40
Well, usually with the relationships part, I learned after my mom passed away that she had multiple relationships and that my sisters and brothers were not really full-blooded. Like, the only ones who are full-blooded are my two sisters.

Wish 00:18:59
Right.

Patton 00:18:59
My brother and I were from different fathers. I used to call our family the United Colours of Benetton, because we're from all over the place

Wish 00:19:11
It's obvious we're from the eighties. 

Patton 00:19:11
Oh, no. Did I give myself away?

Wish 00:19:21
Yeah.

Patton 00:19:25
Edit that out. So when that bomb hit me, rewind back, I was in Vietnam and I was teaching my mom to use Yahoo Messenger back then. And then she messaged me one day at work telling me, oh, another great man in my life has passed away. And then she told me the name of this guy who I've always heard throughout growing up and stuff. And I also know that many years ago, when I was in high school, I got a call from my grandmother saying that I'm going to pass away soon. I need to tell you a secret. She's still alive, by the way. She outlived my mom. I'm like, Grandma, whatever it is you were eating back then.

Wish 00:20:24
Tell me the secret. Oh my God.

Patton 00:20:27
Anyway, the secret she told me was that the father that I knew growing up was not my father. And she mentioned the name of the guy that my mom was mentioning now. So that was the opening I had. So I asked my mom, So is it true? And then my mom opened up. I only did it to protect you, blah, blah, blah. Parents always do everything to protect their kid. They don't realise that it's actually doing more harm than protecting kids.

Wish 00:21:00
Yeah.

Patton 00:21:02
So that was the first bomb that hit my life. And I felt so disconnected. It was both bad and good at the same time. Okay, this is going to be some really sensitive topic. So I was in Vietnam. I just broke up with a girl that I really thought I was going to tie the knot with. And the reason why I was in Vietnam was for her because I wanted to build a life, blah, blah, blah. She broke up with me. And then the bomb hit me from my mom. And I really thought, like, you know what, let's just end things. I was visiting buildings in Vietnam, taking a look down, like, Oh, that's kind of high. That looks really cool. Anyways, a friend got worried about me. She contacted me and said, Hey, Patton, you know what? If you feel like jumping off a building, why don't you join me? Bungee jumping in Hong Kong? Come on. I thought, Oh, what the hell? Anyway, so I joined her. We went bungee jumping in the Guinness Book of Record. Highest bungee in the Macau Tower.

Wish 00:22:06
Oh, okay.

Patton 00:22:07
Dude. As in when I jump. There was a switch that turned in my head, and I thought to myself, you know, what if I could get over my fear of heights? I mean, I didn't have a chronic fear of heights, but anybody who sees that high is going to be afraid, right?

Wish 00:22:25
Yeah.

Patton 00:22:25
So if I can get over that fear, I can do anything. And so what I did, I quit my job in Vietnam, came back to the Philippines with only my savings, and I thought, what's the thing that I've always wanted to do that I never did because I was afraid? Acting.

Wish 00:22:41
Yes.

Patton 00:22:42
So I got into acting. I landed a few roles and some indie films in one of the largest networks here in the Philippines, ABS. But then I was dating somebody, and my manager told me that you need to make yourself available to people. You should not be seen with somebody. And so the girl I was dating did not like that. And so to be the woman, I thought it must be a good idea to do this for love. And so I did not pursue my acting career.

Wish 00:23:13
Seriously?

Patton 00:23:14
Yes. Even though I was on the upward trend, the director like me, he was giving me speaking lines already.

Wish 00:23:21
Oh, my goodness. Wow. Sorry. I'm speechless because I could have expected that you won't. But actually, I understand.

Patton 00:23:33
A lot of my friends have told me that I think I need to learn self-love because for some strange reason, I keep giving everything to my partner.

Wish 00:23:42
Yes.

Patton 00:23:42
And I'm not even thinking about myself. Like any future repercussions and so on and so forth. That's another self-reflection. So guys never do anything life-changing for a woman.

Wish 00:23:55
Yeah, that's right. I mean, you really have to do it for you. Because now I'm beginning to a little bit more remember as well and pulling it out. I think that's why we never really dated, because I remember that time that you're still having some issues with your ex-girlfriend. That's not really a girlfriend, that's an ex, but not really. It's just around and around. And then your cousin the only good thing about your cousin is that she warned me about you as much as I was not even gullible, I know that you will never, ever commit to me. And I was also reeling from former relationships. So one actually, at that time, one former relationship only. And so I think that's where the elusive part of you is coming from, in my impression, at that time, I can't seem to grasp you because you're somewhere else.

Patton 00:25:01
That's very interesting. Yeah, I think so. I think after my recent ex, since I was staying at my sister's house, right?

Wish 00:25:08
Yeah.

Patton 00:25:09
My sister and my friends all told me, do not get a girlfriend Patton. Ever since we've known you, you've never had a period where you didn't have a girlfriend.

Wish 00:25:20
Yeah.

Patton 00:25:21
That made me think like, oh, damn, you're right. You know what? Yeah. Maybe I should just spend time with myself and try to figure out what I want to do. Wow. So sorry. 

Wish 00:25:21
Why don't apologise... 

Patton 00:25:21
But yes, focus on yourself first. Because if your partner really loves you and believes in you and has the same values and focus as you, they will go with you...

Wish 00:25:49
Yes.

Patton 00:25:49
... In your path, in your journey. And if your journey is not on the same path or the same road, then at least you had a good time and you split ways amicably. And you don't try to force the relationship even though it's already ended. Or in the words of... 

Wish 00:25:49
Go ahead. 

Patton 00:25:49
In the words from House of Gucci, this is where the book ends. This is where the story has ended.

Wish 00:26:15
Yeah.

Patton 00:26:16
I had to learn. It took me 40 years to learn that.

Wish 00:26:19
My golly. But you got there. So this is the important thing. I think that's a rolling kind of lesson so far, doing this podcast amongst my friends is that it's never too late and it's just that journey. Because when you look back at it, Patton, I mean, the way you're talking right now is that you're full of wisdom. I could still see that you're still you, but a more matured, more learned person. Thank you. Yeah.

Patton 00:26:55
I really appreciate that.

Wish 00:26:57
Yeah. But how are you right now with your relationship? I stalked you on Facebook that I don't use anymore because I was thinking I wanted you to be my guest. I haven't spoken with you in a long time. So I looked at your Facebook and I saw that there is a special woman in there. Tell me about it.

Patton 00:27:16
My current flame is a person I met during the pandemic, 

Wish 00:27:16
How??

Patton 00:27:16
We are not allowed to go out. But I had a car, right. And I was bored because you can only game so much because I'm a gamer.

Wish 00:27:34
Right.

Patton 00:27:34
So, like, when the pandemic hit and everybody was supposed to stay in, like, no problem, introvert here. I'm just going to play games all the time. Yes. After some time, I started to get bored and I'm like, okay, let's check out the market. So I went into one of those dating apps. I think it was Bumble, actually. I swiped right on this girl that I found pretty and I forgot about it. A few days later, I got a message from her. And you knowing me, Wish I'm not really the type of person who answers the phone, like, immediately or I'm not really good with social media. 

Wish 00:27:34
Yeah

Patton 00:27:34
She asked me to add her up on Instagram. 

Wish 00:27:34
Nope!

Patton 00:27:34
I don't use that. The last post I had on Instagram, like, three years ago. But sure, I added her up and she was sending me messages. But after almost one month, I checked my Instagram like, oh, my God, she was messaging me. So I said, you know what? Hey, let's meet up. Thinking that, okay, if this person is scared, she's going to say no. Problem solved. Right? And then she said, yes, sure, meet me here. I'm like, Whoa, okay. And since I don't say no, challenge accepted. So I drove over to her place, and if you ask her, this is the same thing. She thought like, wow, this guy is not afraid. He actually went to see me. So we spent the majority of the pandemic hanging out with each other, getting to know each other, and so much so that she was wondering why I was 40 and I was still single and I didn't have kids. And I'm like, Well, I've just been focused on my career. That's the script I had in my head. Right. But then she asked me, Tell me the truth. Has anybody asked you to have a kid? And I'm like, no. And like, Why? You know what? I don't know. When we were growing up, especially here in the Philippines, growing up as a kid, as a male child, your parents would always tell your Patton, if you grow up, you get someone pregnant, both your lives will be ruined, blah, blah, blah, blah. So I took that literally. I have mastered the art of not getting anybody pregnant. Right. So apparently, I found out later on that Filipino women have this thing that they want to get pregnant, but they're not going to tell you about it.

Wish 00:29:57
They do?

Patton 00:29:58
I don't know.

Wish 00:29:59
I mean, I'm Filipina, but I really didn't really give a shit about that before.

Patton 00:30:04
I don't know.

Wish 00:30:05
Yeah, but I think I get it. Mostly.

Patton 00:30:08
When she said that, the thing you should know about me is when you tell me something and it gets planted in my brain, I'm not going to be able to sleep for months on end. Right?

Wish 00:30:19
Yeah.

Patton 00:30:21
So it got stuck in my brain. I'm like, Damn it. Why hasn't any yeah, come on. I'm a good-looking guy. I'm smart. I think I have good genes. How come nobody has ever asked me that? Am I that bad a person? Like, Oh, my God. Anyways, to cut long story short, she would like for me to consider having a child with her because she has a deadline as well.

Wish 00:30:45
Yeah.

Patton 00:30:46
After giving it much thought and hanging around even more, I said, Yeah, let's give it a try.

Wish 00:30:52
Wow.

Patton 00:30:53
And so first thing I did was I proposed to her. She said yes, by the way.

Wish 00:30:57
Congratulations.

Patton 00:30:59
Yeah, I know, right?

Wish 00:31:01
Oh, my God, my baby's growing up! 

Patton 00:31:01
I would have never thought, you know how many YouTube videos for how to propose with an engaging oh, my God.

Wish 00:31:14
You could have called me.

Patton 00:31:20
What do I do? Oh, my God. I mean, I watched all the movies, but those are not accurate, right?

Wish 00:31:26
Yes.

Patton 00:31:27
But I was able to pull it off, and she said yes. Thank God. Yeah. But things were all bright and cheery. But as I said, the brighter the picture, the darker the negative. So she got pregnant, and we're really trying to take care of the child.

Wish 00:31:46
You have a child now?

Patton 00:31:48
I'm getting to that.

Wish 00:31:49
Okay, sorry.

Patton 00:31:50
Six months prior to because she moves about from the Philippines to the US. Because she's actually an international model.

Wish 00:32:00
Okay.

Patton 00:32:01
She's a beauty queen in the Philippines, and then she's got gigs in the US. So every now and then, she flies there. She was supposed to give birth in the US. Because it was time with her gig, blah, blah, blah. So on the 6th month in the Philippines, a month before she was supposed to fly to the US. We had our baby checked, and it turns out that the baby was not forming properly. I think that's the diagnosis. It was tough. We had to decide if we wanted to keep our baby or let the baby go.

Wish 00:32:36
Right.

Patton 00:32:36
But here in the Philippines, there was no abortion. Abortion is illegal. We can do underground, but that might risk her life as well, so no, definitely not. But we consulted a lot of doctors, and they all said the same things. Like, based on what we see from the ultrasound, from the scans, the intestines are outside, the heart is somewhere else, the skull is not formed. The chance of survival is going to be very slim. If the baby does survive, it's going to have a lot of complications.

Wish 00:33:08
I'm so sorry.

Patton 00:33:09
I know. It's okay. I mean, it's my first time to deal with this. I've never been a father, I've never been a dad, and I've always been a feminist. Of course. I told her the only thing that came into my mind is like, look, it's your body. I mean, it's our child. You know how I feel about it. But at the end of the day, it's your body. You do what you have to do. But you know, my stand. In the US, she did the deed. Oh, my God. We almost broke up. I said I was so depressed. That same sister, we went to the beach just for me to unwind. And what I did to get out of my depression is, as usual, get into my games. I got this really old game called Diablo 3.

Wish 00:33:59
Wow. You love that shit.

Patton 00:34:03
Yes, I do. It's a throwback. Like, oh, my God, this game is still alive until now. But what I did, I created a character using the name that we gave her baby, which is Penelope. And, oh, my God, I played the crap out of the game until she was the most decked out, all high-level items. I did not talk to anybody for, like, for almost two months. I just kept playing and grinding the game.

Wish 00:34:29
Oh, my gosh.

Patton 00:34:31
When she finally came back, apparently the hospital that she went to, they did cremation services. She gave Penelope's ashes to me.

Wish 00:34:43
Wow. I'm so sorry. That is quite loaded, and I'm really sorry. If you haven't gone through that notion, you would not understand. Okay, fine. I'm just going to admit it, too. So I had a miscarriage as well, last April.

Patton 00:35:04
Oh, my God.

Wish 00:35:05
Yeah.

Patton 00:35:05
Okay.

Wish 00:35:06
But I can't imagine what you and your lady has gone through, because that's mostly you've invested so much in it already, mine's only seven weeks.

Patton 00:35:18
Oh, my God. I'm so sorry Wish.

Wish 00:35:19
It's okay. For me, I find comfort only because you find reasons that this is not for me, not perfect for us yet, and it didn't have a heartbeat yet for me to feel that it's humanised. So that's my comfort zone. So I'm okay with it. We're okay with it. We're very pragmatic about how these things work. And also, at my age, I know the risks at that time. I mean, wow I'm revealing this in public now. But I think it has to be said. And thank you for sharing yours, because this is a very vulnerable topic, I think. So thank you for sharing that, because I think it's easier and actually, it's helpful for us to say this in public, especially with what's happening in the US. And overturning Roe and things, which I don't want to talk about politics at all, but the pain where you are right now with that very serious experience.

Patton 00:36:31
Well, going back to the story of me trying to jump on a rooftop and me doing the bungee jump and the disclaimer that should come after...

Wish 00:36:31
Yes. 

Patton 00:36:31
Ever since that incident, I thought to myself that I should have died back in Vietnam if not for that friend. So every time I go through something that's life-changing or like something devastating, I just think to myself, you know what? I was supposed to be dead already, so let's just take it for what it is and just live through this other life like a ghost. That's what would have happened if I stayed. Something like that. So that helped me, I guess. That kind of mindset helped me get through my demons.

Wish 00:37:20
Right.

Patton 00:37:21
And the depression. And even with what happened with Penelope, even with that mindset, it was cracking. That mindset shield was cracking because she planted the thought of having a baby in my head, and it encompassed my whole being throughout the time that she was pregnant. And I was excited. I was like, Oh, my God.

Wish 00:37:47
Right?

Patton 00:37:47
So this is what it feels like. I'm finally going to be just like other people are in that state. And so when it didn't happen, wow. It was like whatever force field I had in my brain, there were cracks all over, and I don't know, I'm just speechless. Like that scene from The Lord of the Rings with King Théoden.

Wish 00:38:08
I've been waiting for this coining. Okay. I know it will come up. Okay. Please go ahead. Sorry.

Patton 00:38:18
All-time favourite. Of course, with King Théoden burying his son, it's like no parent should ever have to bury their child.

Wish 00:38:33
I'm really so sorry.

Patton 00:38:36
I'm so sorry for you too. And you know what Wish? I would get the usual stuff. Oh, everything happens for a reason. God gave this to you because he knows you're strong, blah, blah, blah. And I remember telling that specific friend who told me that specific line, you know what? Can God just give me a break? Okay? I've taken almost everything you have thrown at me. Can you just give me one nice thing, please? Yeah. At least you and I, we're made of stern stuff.

Wish 00:39:14
Exactly.

Patton 00:39:15
We're survivors.

Wish 00:39:16
Absolutely. And would you try again?

Patton 00:39:21
Is this going to be public?

Wish 00:39:24
Okay, I was just thinking, just being very honest with your friend, somebody else implanted the idea of fatherhood to you and it never occurred before, so I'm just going to give you a background. Why hasn't anyone asked you about it? Because even for me, I never ever asked you about it consciously because I could see and you kind of gave me the impression from the beginning that we met until the process of our entire friendship that you're not interested in this portion because of everything that has happened to you growing up. So for your friends not to ask you, is that being mindful not to bring up or not to trigger anything, that's a little bit insensitive for us to ask, just to give you a different kind of side to why hasn't anybody asked you. We never had any doubt. I mean, for me, I'm just going to speak for myself. I don't have any doubt that you're going to be a good father because you're a very caring person. You see us very, in very specific forms, your friends, you really see us the way we are. And so we know that you're going to be a very good parent and you always try your best and things like that. And we know it's going to reflect. So that's my side of the story. But now, don't you think that someone implanting that idea that you never had thought before is you following other people again, i.e. your significant other versus you really wanting it for yourself. But I think we're past that now. You had the feeling that you may become a father and you really enjoy that.

Patton 00:41:20
That's a good one.

Wish 00:41:21
Even with a heartache that you have right now. So that's why I'm asking. Would you try again?

Patton 00:41:26
That's a good one Wish.

Wish 00:41:26
Or is it too early for me to ask that or am I being insensitive?

Patton 00:41:31
No, that's a very good question and I think it's a topic that I have been dreading to talk about with my fiancé because what are we going to name the other kid? Penelope two?

Wish 00:41:50
You can, but probably not a good idea.

Patton 00:41:55
Poor kid. Poor kid.

Wish 00:41:57
It's going to be a Boy Penelope literally.

Patton 00:42:07
No, I really don't know. I think my brain reset back to the old Patton of not even considering it again and I don't know what my reaction is going to be if she asks me, hey, let's try again.

Wish 00:42:23
Right.

Patton 00:42:24
But right now we've been focused on our careers. I think it's also good that we have plans that were put on hold because of Penelope coming into our lives. But since that didn't happen, we have decided, okay, let's pursue these things first before we talk again.

Wish 00:42:43
I think this is really a part where you just need to heal. So ultimately it's all about healing. And in my view, I think just recognise that if you're still grieving, you're still grieving. Probably a part of you will always miss Penelope and you have to just need to accept that, that it's going to be part of your life. But at the same time, like what you said, we're survivors, we're going to move forward. You're going to, little by little, heal in different ways. When that topic comes back again in your relationship, then that's going to be a different story altogether. It's the only friendly advice that I could give you.

Patton 00:43:26
Thank you. Really appreciate that. Thanks Wish. Hearing it from you and the roads we've been through. Yeah, thank you.

Wish 00:43:40
Everything else we do deserve and God will give us a break, but I think as well, why God is not giving us too much of a break.

Patton 00:43:51
Why?

Wish 00:43:51
We're going to get bored, dude.

Patton 00:43:54
Well, that's true. He's got to give chance to other people, right?

Wish 00:44:00
Yeah.

Patton 00:44:02
Look at this too.

Wish 00:44:03
I mean, the people that we are that's why I'm thinking sometimes it's like, why can't I just get a break? And then I think it's like, I can't get a break because I'm still going to do something and break something and build something. So it's just like, be careful what you wish for. Really? Unless it's me that you're wishing for, then it's all good.

Patton 00:44:27
Oh, wish. I swear to God, every time I use that word in a sentence, a picture of you pops up in my face like, goddamn at this woman.

Wish 00:44:38
Thank you very much. Thank you very much. Okay, let's go to the fun side as we move along. So I'm going to pick you up because that's what we do to each other. What is or was the geekiest thing you've ever done because you're such a geek. The geekiest thing that you've ever done that you're like, oh, shit, I've overdone myself.

Patton 00:45:07
Oh, God. This was when I went to San Diego ComicCon back in 2015. Yes, as Will Turner, the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise at that time. Because San Diego Comic Con is like one of the hardest things to get into, especially if you're in the Philippines and the time to register a ticket comes on on the website and then everybody's clicking all at the same time. And with our crappy internet, most probably. We're not going to get in, right?

Wish 00:45:39
Yeah.

Patton 00:45:40
So a very dear friend of mine, actually is also that same person who took me budgee jumping. Yeah. So she saved my life.

Wish 00:45:50
She did, yeah.

Patton 00:45:51
Yes. She said, Hey, Patton, I got two tickets for San Diego.

Wish 00:45:56
Oh, my gosh.

Patton 00:45:57
Can you make it? Like, I don't have a visa. I don't have a place to stay. It's like, well, you figured that out. It's like, all right, fine. Challenge acceptance. Yeah. So what I did, first things first, I needed to secure a place to stay. So I've been playing World of Warcraft ever since, like, college days. I was working, right? And I literally grew up with those guys, and they know about me, and we usually get in touch with each other and keep each other abreast of what's happening in each other's lives. Anyways, when I told them that I had an opportunity to go to the US. He said, you know what, Patton? If you can't get yourself to the US. We'll let you stay at our place. The reason being, our game master actually met everybody. He did a tour around US. Europe and Asia, but he skipped the Philippines. The only agent he went to was Singapore. It's like, Oh, man, dude, you're the only one we have not met yet. Like, fine. So I went over to get my visa application, right? I was in line to get interviewed by the consul. I swear to God, I had all of my stuff. I had all of the documents, the usual stuff. The person in front of me, I could hear him say, oh, I work for this big real estate company. I earn six figures a month. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Why am I denied? Blah, blah, blah, blah. And then he walks away, and I'm like, Oh, crap. This guy who has the means to actually go get denied, what chance do I have? Right? So I go over to the console. Thank God she was a girl. So I used all the charms that I got. This is the funny part. Okay. The purpose of your trip for leisure. So you are going to make a stop Atlanta, like, yes. Why? Because I'm staying with some friends. Okay, what are their names? Their names are, let's say Bob, Jane, and Allen.

Wish 00:48:09
Right

Patton 00:48:10
Okay. What are their full names? I looked at the Consul. I actually don't know their full names. Like, how do you not know the full names of the people you'll be staying with? You see, I met them in this game called World of Warcraft, and I never asked for their full days because we always called each other by first name. She looked at me, okay, and then from Atlanta, you're going to New York. What's there? It's like, Oh, I'm staying over at the friend's place. This time I had her first name. It's like, Okay, great. What's your relation to her. It's like, well, we had history. But yeah, she got me tickets to San Diego. It's like, oh, you're going to San Diego? It's like, yes. Okay. That's your last stop? Yeah. Why? Because I'm representing the Philippines as the Philippines' Orlando Bloom. Will Turner. If you can check my Facebook, just look for Patton. And she did.

Wish 00:49:17
She actually did.

Patton 00:49:19
I don't know if that was legal, but she did. She takes a look and then looks back at me and she goes like, yeah, you do look like okay, the stamps approved. And when I checked my passport visa, ten years.

Wish 00:49:36
Yes. Thank you, Orlando Bloom of The Philippines!

Patton 00:49:44
Thank you, Orlando Bloom, sir. When I told my friend that, she like, told me, you know what, Pat? And if I was the consul like red, red, red, nope. But maybe it was because I was so honest. And so this guy is so dumb, he's probably not going to TNT (overstay).

Wish 00:50:10
Oh, my gosh. Being Filipinos and having a Filipino citizenship and shitty passport, we're calling it shitty because we have to go through leaps and bounds to get visas from mostly anywhere in the world, mostly Western world. And US Visa, especially if you're living in the Philippines, is so hard to get, especially for tourist visa. Everybody would think that we wanted the visitor visa to get to anywhere in the Western world and stay there illegally as an alien.

Patton 00:50:48
Yes, exactly.

Wish 00:50:49
So all of us who are just very honest, who just wanted to go to Comic Con and things like that, they probably would not believe. But thank you, Orlando Bloom. Thank you, Patton, for looking like Orlando Bloom. Remember, I was there too, at the Comic Con in 2015? Yeah, you messaged me.

Patton 00:51:09
Yeah, but where were you? Because I got into Hall H. I'm like, oh, my God. Where are you?

Wish 00:51:16
I played you at that time. So I was in San Diego. I normally visit my family in San Diego. And then we were driving in downtown, and I was like, can you please drive me around the Comic Con? I just wanted to drop by the public places where I could go. And then my friend was just like, they're cinematographers. They're like, I'm going to take a photo of you. I was like, okay, take a photo of me. And then I post it. And then you message me. It's like, you're here too. So I was like, I can't turn back now. So I said, yeah, I'm here! 

Wish 00:51:16
You sneaky, sneaky lady.

Wish 00:51:54
Thank you. But I'm literally at Comic Con, and I'm literally in San Diego. So I wasn't lying, man.

Patton 00:52:01
All right, fine. Half-truth. Well played. Well played.

Wish 00:52:07
Oh, my goodness.

Patton 00:52:08
I have this rule that no matter how a person screws me over in life, as long as you screw me over, epically. Hats off to you and say, well played, my friend. 

Wish 00:52:08
Did I?

Patton 00:52:08
No, you didn't. But I would have never thought that was the circumstance that you were in. So well played.

Wish 00:52:30
Yes. In closing, what's the word or phrase that you can impart to our listeners and why?

Patton 00:52:36
Wow.

Wish 00:52:38
Or a phrase.

Patton 00:52:39
Or a phrase. Yes. There's this one phrase that my former boss now told me that I really imbibed in all the things that I do now is to never be afraid to do something that you're not familiar with. In context, though, that was when I was in video production, since I got kicked out of school because I lost my scholarship. Right. So I ended up landing a job early. I had no skills. The only skill I had was I naturally knew how to draw. So my friends took me in. Of course I was feeling insecure and stuff and my boss told me, don't be afraid. Sit down there, look at the computer and play around until you become an expert at it. And that's what I did. And I excelled in the field of design and video production until I went to advertising and until I became where I am now. So, yeah, never be afraid. Don't stop yourself from doing something that you're scared of doing at first or you think you're going to fail at first because you will fail at first. But you just keep doing it and you will excel. You will become an expert eventually. Hashtag no fear.

Wish 00:53:53
Yes.

Patton 00:53:55
80s.

Wish 00:53:58
Such an 80s baby. Well, Patton, thank you so much for hanging out with me. It's so nice to catch up with you. Thank you for sharing your really very personal story and I really appreciate you.

Patton 00:54:18
It was a pleasure to be invited here and it's so nice to hear from you again, Wish and all the crazy stuff that you're doing right now. And thank you for opening up about that very private story of yours. I can't wait to see you in the next few weeks.

Wish 00:54:45
From this episode. One of the most important words about life is upheaval. It is a great change, especially causing or involving much difficulty, activity or trouble. It's similar to words disruption, confusion, disarray, uproar, chaos, turmoil, trouble, pandemonium, bedlam, revolution, furore. 

Wish 00:54:45
Charlene Chopra, an Indian actress and model, quoted "In the midst of all our emotional upheaval caused by ambition, aggression, rejection, transition, addiction, limitation and competition, the one thing that remains constant within us is our deep desire to be happy." 

Wish 00:54:45
The chaos in our lives are extremely painful most of the time. Sometimes we can't carry on. Sometimes we feel like we cannot really do anything about it. Sometimes we just want to sit and stare at nothing and just let the world go by without us. Sometimes these things that pull us down are really very heavy. But we cannot stay in a state of upheaval because for me, I think when you say the word upheaval, there's something after that which is to arise or to become victorious, to really reflect in hindsight of what you've been through. It's all about fighting for yourself. Not even for anybody else, but for yourself. You have to fight for your life. You only have one gift, the gift of life to live. And it's sometimes hard that we wanted to have a break. But this is life. We have to experience it, right? It's always a choice whether we take on a path of taking that upheaval into something more positive for us. So it's all up to you. You choose. But if I choose for you, I choose for your greatness. 

Wish 00:54:45
Thank you for listening to Human Thesaurus. Please rate and subscribe and follow me on Twitter or Instagram. Your support is highly motivating for an indie podcaster like myself. Trust me. Join me again next week for another episode. 

Wish 00:54:45
Please note that content warnings for this episode are also listed on the Show Notes page, plus a few Global resources pages to get information and support. Please take care of yourself and don't hesitate to ask for help if you need it.